Baby Like Heroin

The title of this blog is not to imply that babies enjoy narcotics, but rather how many women in my age range seem to need a baby like heroin. Insane. Crazed. Desperate? Obligatory? Fulfilling? Life changing?

My good friend Kelly's baby is now able to sleep in her crib which opens up a new life dimension for her--hopefully one where creative work and/or reading can have a chance to resurface. Kelly can finally have a bit more down time, time to watch movies, catch up on correspondance, etc. And selfish me--here i am writing in a blog about all the glorious foods i've indulged in this past weekend, thinking about my upcoming drum lessons (!) and whether or not i should put our wetsuits away...

Many women i know in my age range have either just given birth or have serious plans to make this happen in the near planned future. Why has the baby bug not bitten me? Has it? Am i really smart or excessively selfish?

Our friends recently got an English Bulldog puppy called Winston. i've never met such a cuddly, warm, and loveable dog in my life. His two daddies were fussing over him this past Sunday like a mother with a newborn baby. Perhaps i could go that road. Raise a puppy. Less psychological damage, no diaper changes, simple needs. Then i realised that some dog breeds live for only seven years. So when i'd finally get the hang of being a dog mom, its lifespan would swiftly come to a close?!

So what kind of mother would i be?

There's a Happy Mom at my work who gives out unsolicited progress reports (or UPR's) of her baby. Typical scenario: You wander into the kitchen, wanting to just grab a coffee and get back to your desk. Happy Mom is in there, lurking about for an audience. If you make eye contact, you can't help uttering those magic words, "So how's the baby doing?" Let's face it, saying this is just asking for it. After the basic UPR rundown, she'll then turn to anecdotes. Here's where it gets really tricky to get away--it's probably now going on 15 minutes and all you wanted was a cup of coffee. Happy Mom winds you up with the promise of the funniest story in the world. Usually it turns out to be something about the kid putting a magnet on the refrigerator. Now i wonder, if/when i become a mother, will everything my child does be the funniest and most amazing thing?

So what about being a mom?

i was on my way back from Beijing, standing in the extremely confusing and crowded airport. Apparently there was an Air France flight headed back to Paris. As i looked around, there were many happy French couples holding beautiful baby girls in their arms. It suddenly hit me, how amazing it must be, to travel across the world, and return home with a new family member. It's what my parents did, back in 1970. i thought of how excited they must have been--driving down to Eugene, Oregon to pick me up on a plane that took off in Korea.

Fast forward through the customs line, the waiting area, and two hours into the flight back to San Francisco. i got up from my seat to walk around a bit. As i was stretching, i saw a little baby, standing on her father's lap, facing backwards, in my direction. This baby looked so excited, as if she knew where she was headed, and what lay ahead of her. She suddenly looked up at me with her cheery eyes, and noticed i was looking at her too. She bobbled up and down, and continued to look at me. Her eyes were consoling, reassuring, definitely communicative--then she broke out into a huge smile that was just for me. It was as if her look conveyed a simple message, "it's OK, i'm not that bad, i won't drive you crazy, look how much fun a baby could be...!"

OK so then it was cynical penny, 40,000 feet up in the air somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, no longer cynical but cheery, teary, and weary. Mostly teary!

Perhaps what scares me is that maybe i'll be the Happy Mom in the kitchen cornering co-workers with my lengthy UPR's, maybe it will be me blogging about my kid's first words, feats, and first steps?

i guess maybe growth in life is measured by the different reactions and sensations we feel to things we've considered over and over again in the past?